


Knowing How

by Th3_Morrigan



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Closure, Death, Family, Gen, Grief, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 14:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15172883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Th3_Morrigan/pseuds/Th3_Morrigan
Summary: Fiona made her way slowly to the ramparts. In the past 30 or so years, she had never been so physically close to Alistair as she was right now. The compulsion to see him came and went over time, and she always used distance as an excuse not to do so.  Now, however, there seemed to be no more excuses.  He was finally right there.





	Knowing How

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amolegere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amolegere/gifts).



> I needed closure so I wrote this.
> 
> Starting date for this fic was Dec 2017. Had it not been for @amolegere whose tumblr post made me realize that I was not the only one who wanted Fiona and Alistair to meet this would still be stewing in my unfinished pile. Thank you for spurring me on to finish this.

Skyhold was a huge place, but it wasn't too big that news wouldn't get around fast. The day another Warden came back with the Inquisitor, Fiona had heard about it right away. She pretended to be mildly curious and asked about the newcomer. She was, after all, a former Warden, and she would be lying if news about them didn't at peak her interest in the slightest.

Fiona didn't like questioning people too much about the Hero of Ferelden's Warden companion. In fact she was paranoid about it. She always asked about the Warden herself first. The Warden was a mage, and mages of great renown would interest a (former) Grand Enchanter.

But this time she felt like she _had_ to know.  As chance would have it, the Inquisitor was in the library, visiting Dorian.  Fiona didn't like the Tevinter mage much, and she waited until the Inquisitor took her leave of him before approaching her.

"Inquisitor, do you have a moment?"

The Inquisitor turned to face the Grand Encahnter. "Yes?  How may I help you?"

"That Warden who accompanied you back from Crestwood. His name is Alistair, is it not?"

"Yes, it is. Do you know him?"

 _Be calm, Fiona. It's an innocent question._ "No, not personally. But if he is the same Alistair that is the companion of the Hero of Ferelden, I would have known his  superior, Warden-Commander Duncan. Duncan and I traveled together with King Maric back in the day."

"Ah, I had completely forgotten you used to be a Warden."

Fiona just smiled. _So had I_. "Would you know where I might find him?  I thought I might want to have a word with him. For old times' sake."

"I think Commander Cullen set up a room for him in the ramparts. Perhaps you'll find him there."

"The Hero of Ferelden is not with him?" Fiona asked, feigning curiosity. She could have cared less about the hero at the moment of course.

"If she were here, she would be leading the Inquisition," the Inquisitor said shaking her head. "Maker knows she's more capable."

"Oh you give yourself too little credit, Inquisitor," she smiled and quickly excused herself.  Small talk was never her forte and Fiona didn't wish to dally. 

 

 _He_ was here.

 

***

 

When she took her leave of the Inquisitor, Fiona made her way slowly to the ramparts. In the past 30 or so years, she had never been so physically close to Alistair as she was right now. The compulsion to see him came and went over time, and she always used distance as an excuse not to do so.  Now, however, there seemed to be no more excuses.  He was finally _right there_.

She made her way to the Western tower where the Commander had told her he would likely be.  When she got there she saw two men conversing just outside the doorway. It wasn't hard to see which one Alistair was.  He looked just like his father, with his blonde hair and easy smile that made her think that everything was going to be alright. 

The men saw her approach and they both stood to face her.  She recognized the other fellow to be the Champion of Kirkwall.  Both men bowed in greeting.

"You grace us with your presence, Grand Enchanter." Garrett Hawke said. 

Fiona smiled politely.  "It's just Fiona now, I'm afraid.  I haven't been Grand Enchanter in a long while."

"What can we do for you, my lady?" Alistair said.

"I was actually here for you, Warden.  I wanted to talk." She looked at Hawke.  "Privately, if you would, Champion."

Hawke nodded.  He was aware of the Grand Enchanter's history, as well as the Wardens' secretiveness. His sister was one, after all.  He didn't like it one bit but there was nothing he could do about it. "I will take my leave, then.  Later, Alistair."

The Warden waved to his friend as he left, then turned to Fiona.  "So, to what do I owe the pleasure?" The easy smile on his face made her heart ache.

"How are the Wardens, Alistair?"

"The Wardens are missing so I really don't know. If you are referring to _THE_ Warden, I'm going to tell you what I already told the Inquisition: If I knew exactly where she was I would drag her back here myself."

"You're very fond of her, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am."

"I met her once," Fiona said.  "It was just a few months ago, before all this started.  She had stormed my office and demanded to know how I had removed the taint from my blood."

Alistair chuckled. "Yes, that sounds _very_ much like her.  Sorry about that."

"She's doing it for you, you know. To save you."

Alistair shook his head.  "She's doing it for all of us."

"I couldn't have chosen a better partner for you."

Alistair raised an eyebrow at the unusual statement. "Er…"

Fiona took a deep breath.  The word could go to hell tomorrow.  She didn't know if she could stand not telling him now.  She owed him that, at least.

"Alistair, there's something you should know."

His smile waned.  He suddenly looked very tired.  She couldn't blame him.  He'd been through a Blight and now he was living through this untimely Calling that was slowly driving him mad.

"It…it's not about her, is it?"

"No, Alistair.  If there was news about the Warden I'm sure you'd be the first to know."

He breathed a sigh of relief.

"I knew your father," Fiona went on.  "He accompanied us into the Deep Roads many years ago."

"Yes, Duncan told me about that…Begging your pardon, my lady, but what exactly is this about? I mean, if this is about my father then I must assume this is about our bloodline…"

Fiona shook her head.  She had heard about that too, and feared what that would mean for Alistair, but that was a discussion for another time.

"I also knew your mother," she continued.

"Oh."

"Alistair, she wasn't a servant at the king's castle."

Alistair chuckled.  "Are you going to tell me she's actually some noblewoman from somewhere and I had just inherited her kingdom? I'll take the tithes but I'll pass at ruling.

He hid behind humor, just like his father. Fiona truly felt like she was talking to Maric and it made her smile wider. "I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.  There is no kingdom, riches or titles."

"Oh, thank the Maker!" he said, playfully wiping his brow and chuckling.  "I didn't turn down Denerim only to be made king somewhere else. So, who was she really?"

Fiona paused a beat before continuing. "Would you be disappointed to know she was an elf?"

"What?" His expression was one of utter surprise and not disgust, and that relieved Fiona.  "So I'm half-elven? Wow! Who'd have thought?  Warden will be thrilled!  Wait, was this the reason I was…kept secret?"

The question felt like a stab to her heart. "If it was?" Fiona studied his expression closely.

Alistair stuck out  his bottom lip as he thought about it for a moment. "I suppose I could understand why."

"Your mother was also a mage."

Alistair's eyes widened.  "The surprises just keep coming, don’t they?" His laugh was refreshing, and Fiona found herself chuckling along. "I'm afraid the next thing you're going to say is that she's a Warden too." It was obviously meant to be a joke, and he chuckled, but stopped short when he saw Fiona had suddenly turned pale and quiet.

"She _is_ a Warden?" he asked, incredulous.

Fiona nodded. "She was."

Alistair chuckled again. "Well, then I guess...wait, what?" His expression sobered. "She _was_? Past tense. That means she's...I didn't get to meet her." His voice was almost sad as he said it.  Fiona's heart clenched.

An awkward silence passed between them as Alistair pondered that.

"Well..." he ran a hand through his hair and looked at her. "it's not you, is it? I mean, you're an elf and a mage and _was_ a Warden." The forced half smile on his face told Fiona that he was again attempting to make light of the situation with a jest. She couldn't speak.

 _Moment of truth, Fiona_.

"And if I was?" it came out barely audible, but she knew he heard it.

The humor drained from his face entirely. He was looking at her, gaze suddenly piercing, perhaps trying to discern if what she was saying was the truth. " _Are you_?" he asked, eyes narrowing.

Fiona suddenly couldn't look him in the eye. She had finally realized the reason she kept herself from seeing  him all these years.

She was afraid.

She was afraid of seeing his disappointment, afraid of his rejection, of his anger.

" _Are_ you my mother?" he asked again, his tone remaining neutral.

Fiona willed herself to look at him, and she nodded.

She studied his face intently. A myriad of emotions flowed through it. First there was relief, then momentary joy, then sadness, then nothing. He kept his polite neutral face on. It worried Fiona.

"Are you disappointed?" She held her breath waiting for his response.

A half-hearted smile again appeared on his lips to mask his discomfort. "Honestly? I'm a lot of things right now."

Fiona knew she should say something, but she didn't know what. She just stood there, wondering if she did the right thing.

"So, um, what now?" Alistair finally said after a long uncomfortable silence.

"I thought perhaps now would be a good time to get to know you."

Alistair let out a laugh that bordered on hysterical. "After all these years you chose _now_ to do it? We could all be dead tomorrow-"

Fiona blanched and Alistair immediately apologized for what he said.

"I'm sorry," he sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair, a habit, Fiona noted, when he was frustrated. "It just seems a tad late to be doing this. I have Adamant to think about and…Why didn't you ever approach me earlier?"

Fiona bowed her head.  "I didn't know how."

Alistair was quiet.  Fiona fidgeted.  She knew he deserved an explanation.  It was hard dredging up the past but she had to.

"When you were born, your father and I talked about it.  We decided at that time that it was best if he raised you instead of me.  There was no life for you with me.  With me you would have been an outsider to both humans and the elves. I didn’t want that life for you. The Wardens would have sent you with a foster family and probably taken you on for training."

Alistair chuckled mirthlessly.  "And yet look where I ended up."

"I didn't want that life for you," Fiona continued. "I also made Maric promise that he wouldn't involve you in the succession for the throne."

Alistair huffed again. "That also almost happened too."

"I only wanted what was best for you.  I only wanted you to be free to make your own decisions, to follow your own dreams." 

That seemed to strike a chord with Alistair. "I'm sorry to seem so ungrateful but do you know how hard it was for me growing up in the castle as the king's bastard son? I slept with the dogs and was constantly being reminded that I would never amount to anything.  Then I got sent off to Eamon's and Isolde _hated_ me and made sure I always knew it. I don’t know what kind of freedom you were aiming for but I doubt it was any better growing up half-elven." Alistair's voice dripped with bitterness.

"I'm sorry, Alistair.  I hadn't known-"

"And perhaps it was better I hadn't either," Alistair said, cutting her off.  He gave her a contemptuous look before turning away in frustration.

What Fiona feared had come to light.  He hated her.  It crushed her to see him hurt and angry.  It was worse that she couldn't comfort him.  He would only lash out if she even tried.  So she did the only thing she could.

"I'm sorry," she whispered quietly and slipped away.

 

***

 

They hadn't talked since.

Fiona was afraid she would push him further away.  And he was also currently preoccupied with the Wardens and their situation, as was the Inquisition.  He was constantly attending meetings with the Champion and the Inquisitor. Even if she wanted to speak with him, there never seemed to be a time when he was alone.

News of Adamant had reached Fiona too.  Apart from her informants abroad, she had overheard snippets of reports in Skyhold.  She was horrified when she found out that the Wardens in the West were desperate enough to resort to blood magic to bind demons.  Of all the insane plans the Wardens ever dreamed of this was probably the most insane and dangerous.

The Inquisitor and her party were set to leave for Adamant in a few days.  Fiona knew Alistair had to go as well, but she hoped he wouldn't.  Despite his chilly reception of her, he was still her son and she did care for him, as she did in her own way through all these years.  She did regret now that she hadn't approached him years earlier.  He would have still hated her, but at least there would still have been time to make up for it.  Now, however…

She decided she would chance his anger to speak to him again.  Like he said when they spoke days before they could all die any time.  She wanted - no, _needed_ -  to see him one more time, just in case.  She went to his quarters the night before they were scheduled to leave.  He had been packing his things when she knocked. 

"Oh, It's you,"  he said by way of greeting when he answered the door.  He left it ajar, but didn’t invite her in, so Fiona just stood by the doorway, unsure of how to proceed.

"I'm rather busy right now.  We leave for Adamant at daybreak," Alistair said curtly as he continued to prepare for the trip.

"I know.  I just…" Fiona fumbled with the amulet around her neck.  It was a simple spirit ward but it meant a lot to her.  A griffin was etched into the metal of the pendant.  Gleaming black obsidians were set in its eyes. She removed it from round her neck.  "I wanted you to have this."

Alistair looked up at her from his packing and eyed the amulet but made no move to take it.

"It was a gift.  From Maric.  It's the only thing I have left of my old life, besides you."

"I was never part of your old life, remember?"

Fiona winced as if he had lashed out at her with a sword instead of words.  For someone who smiled a lot he sure knew how to inflict pain.

"You were, Alistair.  You were always in my thoughts.  Duncan was my eyes and ears.  He watched you grow up.  I was envious of him because he got to actually talk to you, to see you,  and all I got were his letters."

Fiona took a few steps into the room.  "I know what you're going to be facing at Adamant.  I've heard the reports.  I referred some mages to Commander Cullen to supplement the Inquisitor's reinforcements.  I offered to come along but the Inquisitor's advisers were against it. Please take this.  Like you said, we could all die tomorrow.  I could be gone when you get back..."

"If I ever come back," Alistair said quietly.

Fiona had tried to avoid insinuating that. She tried to stop the tears from coming, but they were already there. 

Alistair sighed and walked up to her.  He took the pendant that was in her still outstretched hand and put it on.

"Thank you." He said, then put his arms around her.  It was awkward at first but both of them soon warmed up to the hug. 

"I love you, Alistair.  I always have," Fiona said into his chest. "And I've always been _very_ proud of you. You turned out exceptional."

Happiness washed over Alistair.  It came suddenly and unbidden. It was a different kind of happy, not unlike what he had with the Warden, but something more basic and pure.  He realized _this_ was what he had been searching for all those years, what he had hoped to find in Eamon, in Duncan and the Wardens, and in Goldana but never quite did.

_Family. Belonging._

"I love you too...mother." It seemed awkward in his head but felt like the most natural thing when he said it out loud.

Then the tears came, along with the myriad of feelings once again -happiness, hopelessness, love, disdain, regret, longing- he now had everything he ever wanted, but there was a foreboding that it was much too late for it.

Alistair disentangled himself from Fiona and cleared his throat. "Perhaps when I get back from Adamant we'll have a long talk."

Fiona smiled.  "I'd like that."

"Thank you for the amulet," he said, touching it to his chest

"Thank _you_.  And Maker watch over you, my son."

 _My son_.  Alistair smiled. Eamon and Duncan had called him that a couple of times but it never he the same meaning as  it did now.

Perhaps things would work out.  At least now he had something besides the Warden to look forward to.

 

***

 

Days came and days went.  News of the assault at Griffon's Keep then at Adamant trickled in.  There was no definite word of the company's whereabouts until they finally returned to Skyhold. 

They arrived at dusk and Fiona was anxiously waiting by the courtyard, scanning the thinning crowd for him.  Finally she saw a figure approaching she took a few steps forward only to realize it was the Champion of Kirkwall. Weariness was written on his face, and in his hand he held the griffon amulet Fiona had given to her son.

"No," Fiona whispered.  "No, no, no…"  She did not want Hawke to speak.  If he didn’t talk, if she didn’t hear the news, it wouldn't make it true.  She knew that didn’t make sense but her mind kept telling her not to listen to whatever Hawke was going to say.

She wanted to run away from him but her legs wouldn't move.

Hawke had finally reached her.  "I'm sorry," he said quietly, then handed her the amulet.

No words came.  She was vaguely aware that Hawke was speaking to her, and he had hugged her at some point.  Even the Inquisitor had approached and did the same. Everything from then on was a blur.  Somehow she had reached her quarters, the amulet still in her hand.  Then she wept and wept until there were no more tears to shed. 

For the next few days Fiona went through the motions of life, still living but no longer alive, one day blurring into the next. Everything she had that was worth living for had passed into the void: Maric, Duncan, Alistair, the Circles, even her sense of purpose as a Warden was stripped from her. There was nothing left. Nothing.

"You look so sad," came a voice that brought Fiona out of her moping. 

She blinked and looked around. She was only vaguely aware that she had wandered into the gardens after breakfast. Beside her on the bench was a boy looking at her with curious eyes.  For a minute her heart stopped.  She thought she was looking at a young Alistair.

She shook her head.  No  it wasn't him. This boy had dark hair and blue eyes.  She had wondered how she could have mistaken him for Alistair. And yet…

"Why are you sad?" He asked.

"I...I lost someone."

"I'm sorry to hear that." He put a comforting hand on hers.

Fiona had never been one to readily interact with people she didn’t know, but she found herself drawn to the boy.

She put her other hand on his and smiled. "Thank you for your concern, young man.  I'll be fine."

"I lost someone too," he said.  "Well, sort of. My father.  I didn't know him, but mother did. She found out just a few days ago that he had passed away."

"I'm sorry to hear that. How come you didn't know him?" She couldn't help but feel the similarity of their situation.

"My mother didn't stay with him. She raised me herself.  She said she preferred it that way, that it was safer for us that way."

"Safer?"

The boy looked around before leaning closer to Fiona and whispered, "My mother is a hedge mage."

"Oh." That explained a lot.

"Please don’t tell mother I called her that," he said, looking worried.  "I hear other people use that name for her.  She doesn’t like it.  She said it's insulting."

Fiona smiled and patted his hand reassuringly.  "I won’t tell.  Promise."

"What about you? Who did you lose?" the boy asked, eager to steer the focus of their conversation away from his mother.

"My son.  I didn't know him well either.  I wish I had.  He was a Warden."

The boy seemed to perk up at that.  "My father was a Warden too!"

"You should be proud," Fiona said. "Wardens are valiant warriors.  Strong, fierce, and not afraid of anything. They fight off Blights to save the world. Your father was an honorable man."

That made him smile. "You're making me wish I had met him. It would have been nice to hear some stories."

"I used to be a Warden," Fiona said and winked.

The boy's eyes grew wide. "Really? An actual Warden?"

His enthusiasm was infectious, and Fiona found herself smiling - really smiling -  for the first time in days.  "Yes.  And I have some splendid stories to tell if you would like to hear them."

The boy was practically bouncing in his seat. "Yes, please.  That would be nice."

"Kieran!" a voice suddenly called from the covered walk. "Time for your lessons." Fiona looked over and was surprised to see it was Empress Celene's Arcane Adviser.  Somehow she didn't picture her to be the mother of this sweet boy.

"Coming mother!" the boy called back.  Then to Fiona he said, "I have to go." He sounded almost sad.

"Don't worry I can come back after your lessons."

That earned her a beaming smile from the boy as he got up to go.  "I'd like that.  Thank you."

"Oh and Kieran, before you go, did you know your father's name?" Fiona didn't know why she asked.  She just felt like she _had_ to, even though the chances that she would actually know him were small.

The boy nodded as he started to jog away. "Alistair.  Mother said his name was Alistair."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> About the Theirin bloodline which was mentioned in passing, I took that from The Silent Grove comics (#6), where Alistair found out that the Theirin boodine was tied to dragons and the reason why Maric disappeared. I reailze he was king in the comics but I used it here anyway because why couldn't it have happened with Warden Alistair?
> 
> Also, I don't think Morrigan would have told Kieran anything about his father apart from the fact that he was a good man, but let's just say for the sake of this story she told him a tad bit more than that.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoyed!


End file.
